Fck Her Softly
by gary loves sporks
Summary: Crabbe and Goyle give Draco Malfoy a lesson about pleasing Pansy Parkinson by following the song ‘F.ck her gently’. Badlywritten sex scene and such, a few HBP spoilers, some pansybashing. One shot.


_F.ck her softly _

By Mary Hopkins (garylovesporks)

Disclaimer- I highly doubt JK Rowling is going to write sex scenes and use profanity…Fine I'll just say I only own the non-existent plot.

Song- Fuck her gently- by Tenacious D

Summary- Crabbe and Goyle give Draco Malfoy a lesson about pleasing Pansy Parkinson by following the song 'F.ck her gently'. Badly-written sex scene and such, a few HBP spoilers, some pansy-bashing. One shot.

A/N: this is for fun, and so not very good lol. I'm planning on putting up a more serious story soon… Most likely Draco/Hermione. Flames are accepted, I like fire.

"Oh oh oh!" Pansy half screamed, half squealed.

Malfoy grunted louder as he heard her reactions. He thrust his hard member into her awaiting privates, which could no longer protest the pleasurable pain he was giving to her, as he did most nights.

Draco's uncomfortable bed rocked underneath them as he rocked faster and harder upon her.

And yet they were rudely interrupted. Just as pansy's shrieks reached a glass-shattering tone, the door burst open.

"What the _fuck!_" Draco yelled to the two figures at the door.

"'Fuck' indeed, Draco, 'fuck indeed'…" Vincent Crabbe stepped forward.

"Tsk, tsk, that's not how its done…" Gregory Goyle strode next to him.

_This is a song for the ladies  
But fellas listen closely _

Both Malfoy and Pansy were staring at the duo, for they were serenading. Well, Pansy had a little decency to try and gather something to cover herself. (a/n: pug faced Parkinson? Decency? HA)

"What the—" Draco began.

_You don't always have to fuck her hard  
In fact sometimes that's not right to do _

The duo was singing again, and they had stood at either side of the bed the nude Draco and Pansy were occupying.

"How the fuck did you get in here?" Draco started after listening to their lyrics for a moment. Although he understood them he preferred to ignore what they were saying. What else is new.

"Don't use that word, try 'make love'." Crabbe whispered to him before they started singing again, this time sitting upon the bed.

_Sometimes you've got to make some love _

Draco scoffed, but was soon pushed off the tangled sheets to the floor as the two bulky, serenading comrades starting singing directly to Parkinson.

_And fuckin give her some smooches too _

Suddenly Draco had the sudden urge to blast everyone to smithereens. For at that line Crabbe had leaned across his still nude but intently listening lover and began to leave kisses along her neck while Goyle broke into song again. But not before muttering '_Perfectus Totalus!'_ to the now-stiff(er) body of Draco Malfoy.

_Sometimes ya got to squeeze _

And had Goyle not done that at that moment, Malfoy would've been squeezing the blood out of their still corpses because Goyle then placed himself over the rest of the shuddering Pansy and groped her. _Groped her!_ Thought the irritable Malfoy as he realized the spell was not as good as he had thought. He could talk.

"How the fuck did you guys get in here anyways? This is mine and Snape's hideout! No one should know about it!"

"Evidently _you_ know about it!" said Crabbe in a sing-song voice, then used that tone to voice the next line of the song.

_Sometimes you've got to say please… _

With that line both boys stopped their activities and looked immediately looked into Pansy's lustful eyes, who nodded permission out of habit if anything.

_Sometime you've got to say hey  
I'm gonna Fuck you softly  
I'm gonna screw you gently  
I'm gonna hump you sweetly  
I'm gonna ball you discreetly _

Pansy's head had been taken into Crabbe's lap, and her legs spread apart by Goyle, who merely bent his head towards her undergrowth.

"What on earth are you—" but she stopped as Crabbe leaned forward, sitting up slightly, and covered her mouth in his as his tongue entered her hungry mouth.

Meanwhile Goyle had made himself at home. He gathered her legs in his arms, forcing her up and out. He bent his head forward and kissed her already wet parts.

The duo waited until Draco ran out of breath from screaming until they continued to sing._And then you say hey I bought you flowers _

Much to Draco's content, the two stopped and each produced large bouquets of yellow roses from their wands. Pansy blushed. Draco ignored them and continued to yell.

"Why is anyone here anyways! Where's Snape!" Draco demanded. At this a door magicly (no honestly its magic) opened and Snape could be seen.

"Don't worry about me, pay attention! They know what they're talking about!" Underneath Snape was a very pleasured Cissy Malfoy, who gave Draco the thumbs up as Snape bent into her.

"Ooh Thunder Buns Lucius never did that…" she moaned as Draco screamed and Crabbe, Goyle and Pansy looked on in interest.

"Well Passion Baby he always fucked you hard…"

Draco cowered as the door shut and the duo broke out into song again.

_And then you say wait a minute sally  
I think I got somethin in my teeth  
Could you get it out for me _

Pansy leaned forward and eagerly frenched Goyle, who was nearest._  
That's fuckin teamwork _

Goyle and Crabbe gave each other high fives. They were getting through to her. Speaking of getting through her….

_Whats your favorite posish?  
That's cool with me  
Its not my favorite  
But I'll do it for you _

scene missing

(for here Draco had shut his eyes out of denial, although of course this was also a sign of an _imperfectus totalus._)

When he opened them at the end of the verse he was happy to see (and hear) that the moanings had stopped. Instead the two men (who were now in their boxers) had stopped to consult Pansy of something, and so he listened in, even though it was more verse.

_Whats your favorite dish?  
Im not gonna cook it  
But ill order it from Zanzibar _

When Pansy had whispered her response (for she was out of breath) she was greeted with… Mustard and Thai food…interesting.

_And then I'm gonna love you completely  
And then I'll fuckin fuck you discreetly  
And then I'll fucking bone you completely  
But then I'm gonna fuck you hard…  
Hard… _

And with POPS (mmm I want my pops…) the two disappeared, leaving a very disshelved Pansy behind, and a newly un-petrified, seething Malfoy in the wake.

Before he could scream…actually what am I saying? Nothing short of magic stops Malfoy from screaming and Pansy's a pretty mediocre witch. So…yeah he screamed, _then _ Pansy jumped on him.

"Damn…" he muttered as he cleaned up to a snoring Pansy. "No wonder they were never attracted to me….guess they're not gay after all…thanks for the pointers, guys."

-----------------

well yea it sucked but come on, I wanted to write it in a half hour, wudja expect. Look out for my new story!


End file.
